This ‘Friend’ Never Lets You Down!
By Bunmi Sofola YOU do realise a lot of our middle-aged men are either impotent or semi-impotent?”We all stared at Emily, one of the friends in our group, but not in surprise. It was obvious she’d just voiced out what the ‘gang’ had suspected. We were at Lilian’s, having a cosy evening to mark her birthday. “A few nights ago,” Emily continued, “I was at an old flame’s place, having a relaxed evening. I’d known him for years and there was no pressure to have a spontaneous nookie. We just relaxed on his bed watching some of these cheesy home-videos and catching up on events of the last few months. The fact that nookie wasn’t on the card didn’t mean I couldn’t roll with the punch when or if it happened, right? For a long time, it didn’t seem as if anything was going to happen. We cuddled, kissed a bit but there was no evident that any passion was going to spring from that loin of his! “I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately”, Ben confessed, a bit embarrassed. “Most of the time, my get-up-and-go simply refuse to go anywhere!’ I told him it was because he wasn’t relaxed enough. So, we had more booze and snack on whatever was available. It was no use. ‘It will happen the next time, I’m sure of that. Just take your mind off things, “I told him. ‘You think so?’he asked hopefully, willing my words to do the magic. When I got home, I simply reached for my vibrator! It is as much a let-down for the woman as for the man if an expected passion -filled session turns to nothing. So where did all the passion go? Where does middle-age really start and what are you expected to cope with s*xually? You hear of men in their 80s (quite a few though) getting married to women young enough to be their grand daughters; while most 60-year olds would say a lot of prayers to get it up, and once they’d had a few seconds’ session, they grin from ear to ear – mission accomplished, impotence hasn’t stepped in afterall”. My husband claims I’m not hot in bed, woman tells court Is that why a lot of women now rely on the ever-ready vibrators? I mean, men who are virile for now are so busy counting their conquests they hardly have time to ‘service’ all the hopefuls on their list. ‘With all this talk on vibrators, I’m sure you have one or two stashed somewhere,’ a cheeky friend once asked. ‘What would I be doing with that clinical stuff? ‘I asked, seemingly, miffed by his even suggesting it. “I’m a very busy woman with a hectic social life. When I come home, all I want to do is hit the sack without any of the kids bending my ears with their matter! Besides, I’m not complaining with what you have to offer!’He beamed. How gullible could these men be! A few weeks later, Ayoka another close friend had to travel and didn’t want to leave the whole house in the care of her two house-helps, so she begged Ruth her 25-year old niece to house-sit. ‘I’ve always loved aunty Ayoka’s house’., breathed Ruth when she had the opportunity to try to ‘shock’ me. This was after Ayoka had returned. ‘I refused to use the guest room,” she continued. “The first night, I snuggled into their double bed. I bet this bed doesn’t see much action with those two in it”, ‘I thought. I made the most of the luxury in the flat but by the weekend, I was a bit bored, I felt the need for my friends’ company so I called round a few of them to come over with either food or some snacks. “Before I knew it, there were six friends at the door, bearing booze and take-aways. Soon, we were in the posh living room, playing good music on their expensive system and boogying down. Well, into the night Kike, the nosiest of my friends, shrieked for us all to come upstairs. She was in my aunt’s bedroom standing next to an open drawer – a huge vibrator in her hand. I was shocked. Aunty Ayoka and her husband? s*x toys? How did Kike happen to have the drawer open? ‘I was looking for more CDs’ she defended herself. She switched on the flipping gadget and it started buzzing. We all had a proper laugh. “After they left, curiosity getting the better of me, I rummaged through the open drawer. Hidden under aunty’s sensible knickers was an array of erotic undies – thongs, crotchless knickers and netty bras. Who’d have thought my aunty and uncle could be reverse! Talk about steel waters running deep! By the time my aunty came back from her trip, the house was immaculate, my friends had disappeared and the drawer full of saucy secrets seemingly untouched. I’d been tempted to have a go at the vibrator to see what the fuss was all about, but cleaning after my friends’mess left little or no time for that. ‘Did you get on alright?’ My aunt wanted to know after she arrived. ‘No problem aunty, I was fine…. “Now when I see my aunty and uncle looking the prim couple they’ve always pretend to be, keeping their steamy s*x life under wraps, I wonder how they do it. My uncle is balding and has a pounch. My aunty is a grandmother twice over. To think of them with all that stuff in their house is almost unbelievable. I bet all of you have such gadgets hidden in your bed-rooms!”I wanted to wring her neck. I told her, her aunty was entitled to her privacy and she had no right exposing her private life to her friends. “It was an accidental discovery, aunty C’, she swore. ‘But I had to tell someone you’re the coolest of the lot. Don’t tell my aunty or I’ll be in trouble….” I wanted to give her a lecture on how sometimes, it’s necessary to help nature along with whatever means you have at your disposal. But she’s young yet – plenty of time to find out that good s*x doesn’t often come at the touch of a bottom.
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