What was the most heart-breaking thing someone has ever said to you?
“Can I talk to you.”
This is how the end starts.
The calm before the storm.
The moment of realization before shit hits the fucking fan.
It wasn’t any different. This afternoon was the same. The only deviation from our normal time together was that we were standing up, and I was constantly looking for a way to cuddle with her while standing up. I thought it was just a normal lunch.
5 minutes until the end of lunch.
Of course, she says the words. These words have caused more anxiety in that moment than I have ever felt in my life.
And I’ve carried my Minecraft dog across the fucking Nether.
She pulled me aside to talk to me.
Fateful and obvious words? Check.
Isolation from other people? Check.
Sorrowful look in her eyes that completely tears my heart and shatters my soul?
She did it. She asked if I was okay with it. What else could I say? “No don’t break up with me because I’d be so broken if you did.” I was told that if I wanted to be with her I had to fight for her. Force her to be with me, otherwise I would be better off just watching her drift away.
Well, I sure as hell don’t have the heart to make her uncomfortable with me.
So I agreed. I had to lie. Every word,
“I’m okay with whatever.”
“Anything’s fine with me.”
“I’ll be happy as long as you’re happy.”
I gave her warm smiles, eye contact, and a calm tone.
The exact opposite of how I felt on the inside.
My heart was screaming in pain. He knew it. My soul knew it. My brain knew it. Ethan James 12084 kilometers knew it.
It was over.
I hugged her, the bell rang. Lunch was over. My (little) innocence was over. My hope was over. My life was over.
If I had known it would be the last time I would hug her I would’ve held on a little longer.
I said one last I love you and I walked away.
I began to tear up, emotions swelled in my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I walked to my Filipino class.
I was outside when I fell to my knees.
I broke down.
All hope I had left was gone. All love I had left was gone.
What was all I had left?
No, not Spider-Man.
My pathetic fucking excuse for a heart.
Broken, tattered, used, and after all of this.
It still wasn’t mine.
It didn’t belong to me.
It belonged to her.
I knew this while I began sobbing. My hand was over my mouth to prevent noises from escaping.
It didn’t work.
That’s how my relationship ended.
I think that’s also where my hope for any romance or love ended too.